I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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