I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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