here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
