There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
