Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
