I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize