smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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