So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
