I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
