My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
