After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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