I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
