Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
