i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
