i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have grass duct taped all over my body
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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