I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
