Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
