he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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