Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
