I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
try to milk me bitch
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