Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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