He had one of those small greek statue penises
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
