Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
