Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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