No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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