Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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