you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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