She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
