Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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