i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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