I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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