Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
