Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
