atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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