Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
