DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
