THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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