Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
