The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
