This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
