She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
