Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize