Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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