so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
