We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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