dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
