I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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