I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
