Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
