Four minutes until I can fart!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
