i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
