I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
