I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize