Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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