I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
