so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
