You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
