We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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