I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize