are you so shy because you have an std?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize