I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Girls should come with a carfax report
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
