You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
